After Birth
by Resilient Heart
Summary: Sometimes too much is too much. Short, angsty.
1. Exodus

AN: Just a quick little piece that wanted out and wouldn't let me sleep. Post 5.08 "Birth", AU- forget that anyone else really exists right now. A&E have no problems doing it when it suits them.

He was in there right now, her soulmate. The man held his new daughter in his arms, and as she ducked her gaze around the door frame to look inside, she was immediately struck by how... beautiful he was. _They_ were. Robin and his daughter. The red face was wrinkled and angry, but she was beautiful. Robin's child could be nothing less.

Guilt clenched around her broken heart. This was so messy and painful. She should have been in there, welcoming the addition to her family. She knew Robin would want to share this moment with her; well, thought he might, anyway. The past few weeks had given her reason to doubt all that she thought she knew about him, and now, she'd just exhaust herself by working herself into an unwinnable mental argument at least four times a day.

Sometimes, she could convince herself that it didn't matter. Robin and Roland were there. They were alive. Safe. The fact that he loved her and wanted her was a miracle, and she knew she should have been content that he wasn't repulsed by her.

But most days, Regina found herself submerged beneath the watery surface of agony. Self doubt and self loathing were her constant companions. This was her fault. She never should have allowed any of this. Really, she'd known better, but she'd done it anyway; allowed herself to fall for him, allowed Snow and Tinkerbell and all of them convince her that she was worthy of love.

What did they know?

A quiet wriggling and cooing broke her thoughts, and her dark, unreadable eyes passed over to the new father. Regina had thought long ago that she'd dealt with the issues surrounding her self-imposed infertility, but having her sister pregnant with her soulmate's child had brought all of those pains rushing back. There would never be a product of her and Robin's love. She would never feel the flutter of a kick, feel his warm palm settle on her rounding belly in awe, or feel what it was like to hold something that she had created. With Henry, she'd put those silly desires to bed, because she had never dreamed someone would love her enough to want to start a family with her.

But Henry was older now, more independant, and while she would always love her son more than anything, if she'd had the ability then to carry her own child, she would have. And the best part about this was that Robin didn't even know; as he held his child, he had no idea that she couldn't provide him with one, should he have the desire.

How many times could she stand to lose her happiness before she got it through her thick skull?

Villains didn't get happy endings. No matter what she did, it would not erase her past, and though she'd attempted to trick herself and everyone else around her, an apple could never be an orange. Perhaps Evil really was born.

"Regina?" Blue, plaintive eyes looked up at her, and the woman froze, caught in an unguarded moment of anguish. "Come here, Regina... I've someone who wants to meet you."

Suddenly, she had a flashback of being forced to attend a ball her husband had been hosting. She had been taught to repress her emotions - _No one wants a difficult wife, Regina_ \- and simply do what she had to. She'd done it for her mother. She'd done it for Leopold for a time. But now, looking in at Robin and his child, and the sleeping form of her sister, she felt those walls closing in around her, trapping her within them like a prison of duty. She had to put on a brave face because it was expected of her. She had to accept Robin's child because it was his. She had to face this because... she deserved to be hurt.

No... No. It was too much. God, that child was innocent, and she felt guilt suffocating her, because she knew she couldn't do this. Robin's face crinkled in concern, and he knew she was coming undone.

"Regina... Breathe. Come sit, let me help."

He couldn't help. No one could help. This was broken beyond repair. Regina couldn't walk, but she still had her magic. Her body evaporated into a cloud of purple smoke, only to rematerialize in her bedroom moments later. The bed was unmade, and she could smell his scent against the pillow. This was going to be difficult.

She packed quickly and forgot at least four things she'd wished she had brought, but everything was replaceable in the end. She just needed to get out. She had left notes for those she deemed important, and had crossed over the town line without a single goodbye, intending never to look back. If villains couldn't have happy endings, she was just going to write herself out of the book for good.


	2. Letter To Robin

_Robin-_

 _I feel like a fool leaving all of this in a letter, especially since I know that you'll be hurt to discover that I'm already gone by the time you read this. But the only way I can make sure I get everything out is by writing it down. So please, bear with me while I write down these, my deepest, darkest thoughts, and know that the woman you loved was flawed beyond reason, but she loved you with everything she had._

 _You're a father again, and since I couldn't bring myself to speak the words, I'll say them now: congratulations, Robin. You were meant to be a father, and that little girl is so lucky to have you. I'm sorry I won't be joining you in this new foray into parenthood. I'm under no pretenses that it is for anything other than selfish reasons. I'm a selfish person. I'm only sorry you didn't see it earlier; perhaps you might have been spared quite a few heartaches._

 _I was ruining your life before I'd even met you. I was a young child, terrified at the prospect of losing myself in a romance that would inevitably lead to heartache. Perhaps if I'd gone into that tavern, we would have worked out. My heart wasn't fully blackened then, but you'd have had to sacrifice Marian and Roland, and this new bundle of joy- none of it would have ever happened. I won't even pretend that you'd prefer that life. I can only imagine you as you are now, and Marian helped you become that man._

 _And for her trouble, I killed her. I'm the reason she died. I'm the reason Roland grew up without a mother. Your guilt was misplaced, Robin. None of this was ever your fault. Your life was sadly tangled with mine thanks to fate, and I can never apologize to you enough for that. It's as if destiny purposely threw you into my path so that I could scar you as deeply as possible while leaving you alive to suffer._

 _I know what you're thinking- that Zelena murdered Marian before I could. But even then, she's my sister, and my responsibility. Not to mention the fact that your pain was nothing more than a tool for her to get to me. You try to assuage guilt because you're a good man, Robin, but believe me when I say that I do not deserve that curtesy._

 _Even now, as I write this, I am bombarded with guilt. It isn't just because I've ruined your life. It's because part of me blames you. How could you have slept with 'Marian' weeks after choosing me? Why couldn't you have left me alone when I wanted you too? Why did you have to break my heart, then give me hope, then break it again? Why did you make me believe I could ever truly be happy? I wasn't worth it, and I can only think that you know this fact all too well by now._

 _Long ago, back in our land, my mother hired a man to pretend to be my soulmate. She'd learned of the man with the lion tattoo, and had machinations of her own to set into motion. Your old pal Nottingham was the man sent to do her bidding. He attempted to woo and seduce me, and I found out later that it was all so that I would become pregnant. In my rage, I could only see the liability of this- how long before she paid someone to rape me, then forced me to have the child that she could then control? I couldn't let that happen._

 _There's a reason why I had to adopt Henry, and it wasn't because I didn't have a husband. My womb will never know life. I am dead inside, and as always, it's my own doing._

 _There will never not be a moment that I am not in love with you, Robin. But I'm so angry, and it's wrong. I'm wrong. I have no right to feel this way. It could only mean that I'm not really a hero. I've been playing pretend and thinking I could change, but my soul is damned. When I die, my soul will face every single person I've murdered, while yours will reunite with Marian. In a way, I'm relieved. You deserve someone good, someone whole. It isn't me. I see that now, and perhaps someday, you'll thank me for cutting this off before I could do more damage. If I ever harmed Roland, I would never be able to forgive myself._

 _It hurts now, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving now, when you have a new child. I'm sorry for being too selfish to give her everything I'd hoped. I'm sorry for so, so much Robin. You once said that perhaps it was all about timing, but I've come to see that any time we might have happily shared together is long passed, and it's my fault. Tinkerbell was right; I did ruin both of our lives._

 _I'm so sorry, but this is goodbye. Don't come looking. You won't find me. Please tell Roland that I'm sorry, and that I love him too, and will always love him, just as I will always love you._

 _Farewell, Thief, and may you never be burdened with this heartache again. All my love._

 _-Regina_


	3. Letter To Henry

**AN** : I didn't expect this to get as much attention as it has. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, favorited, or followed! This originally came to be after realizing that I was quite dissatisfied (as I think most people are) with the lack of substance for pretty much any relationship on the show. What's the point of putting the characters through all this emotional crap if you don't give them the chance to react? None of it makes any sense to me, but I suppose that's not the point. I am quite an OQ shipper, but I've been rather unhappy with the level of realism represented in their relationship. So... this is what I'm doing instead. I hope it's somewhat realistic at least, and that you're all enjoying it.

 _Henry-_

 _Before you read any of my other words, I want you to know that I love you more than anything in this world. I know I haven't always shown it in the right way, but you showed me how to be better, how to be someone who was worthy of being your mother. I'm not sure if I've gotten there yet, but I do want you to know that raising you, caring for you, has been the single most fulfilling thing I've ever done with my life._

 _My Little Prince... you aren't so little anymore though, are you? You've gone and grown right in front of my eyes, and I didn't even notice until I couldn't see over the top of your head anymore. Thinking about it makes me hurt._

 _I have so many regrets when it comes to you... to us. I've been a horrible person. I always thought I was doing what was best for you, but it was misguided and harmful. I kept you from having a normal life, and I can never tell you how sorry I am._

 _I've contemplated leaving a few times over the years, but I knew I couldn't. You needed me, and Henry, it was knowing that you were here waiting for me that kept me from crossing the town line and never coming back. But... you're a young man now. You don't need me, and I've noticed that when you do need someone, you've tended to gravitate towards Emma. I'm glad you have her now, sweetheart. She can be there for you when I can't. I had your beginning... it's only fair that she have the rest of you._

 _I don't want you to think I'm giving up on us. I will always, always be your mother, even if you don't want me to be. You will always be the happiest, lightest part of my life, and you'll be the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last face I see when I go to sleep. There will never not be a day when I don't think of the man you've become, and how proud I am of you. You grew up perfect, despite me. I was an awful person, but you were so good and pure, that didn't matter. You deserved much better than me Henry, and I'm so lucky to have any part of your love._

 _I'm not abandoning you. I just need some time, sweetheart. I hope you understand. After I get things settled, I'll call you, and I hope you'll answer. If you don't; if you're too angry, I'll understand that too. Just know that with every beat of my heart, it will never stop loving you._

 _I think I'm doing the right thing here, Henry. I think I finally understand how to make sure no one is hurt anymore. Please don't come up with a scheme to come after me. No 'Operation Mongoose Revisited,' or anything. It has to be this way. I hope you'll understand when you're older._

 _Wear a sweater, eat your vegetables, and do your homework. I'll know if you don't. I love you, sweetheart._

 _-Mom_


	4. Confrontation

AN: Thanks for all the support! Here's another scene. Let me know how you guys are liking it.

* * *

Fury.

It was blinding, making red swim in his vision.

It was deafening, the thud of his heartbeat drumming out all else until he couldn't even hear that anymore.

It was scalding, his whole body feeling prickly and hot, uncomfortable and confused and furious.

He'd done this. The man he'd once looked up to as a hero had forced his mother from her home and the people who loved her, and all Henry could feel was fury.

The thirteen year old slammed the door of the Charming loft on his way out, making baby Neal stir from his nap. "Henry!" Emma called, annoyed at the inconsiderate action, and reaching for her jacket, preparing to go after him.

"Emma, wait..." Snow had collected Neal and found the piece of paper that had fluttered to the floor upon Henry's abrupt departure. She handed it over to Emma, concern flitting through her features. Emma gazed at the first few lines, and felt dread infuse her with every passing word.

"Shit..."

"Emma?" Snow looked alarmed. "What is it? What's wrong?"

The blonde rubbed her forehead for a moment, sighing heavily. "It's Regina. She's... left."

"Left?" Snow's eyes widened, and she appeared more than a little confused. "What do you mean, left?"

Emma was back on her way out the door. "I mean left. She's gone. Call Dad, have him check out the town line, now."

* * *

Henry didn't pause to say hello to any of the dwarves or fairies he passed on the way to 108 Mifflin Street. His features were stormy and tumultuous, and any passing knew that he'd inherited that look, not from his birth mother, but from the woman that raised him. The anger rolling off the boy was palpable; so much so that more than one passersby crossed to the other side of the street, if only to keep from being an easy target for the boy's rage.

Henry didn't knock. He shoved open the door to his mother's house, stormed into the dining room, and saw Robin there, his head in his hands. When he heard Henry enter, Robin's head snapped in his direction, damnable hope springing into his eyes. It melted away when he saw that it wasn't Regina standing there.

"You did this," Henry growled, his hands balling into fists. He couldn't hope to take the man in a fight, but that didn't mean that the urge to punch the thief in the face wasn't mighty. His voice, his words, were accusing, thick with betrayal.

"Don't you think I know that?" Robin scrubbed his face with his hands, and it was only after his own admission of guilt that Henry began to truly look at Robin. The man was broken. Dark bags hung beneath his once vivid eyes, and his expression was miserable. The man had always had a smile handy, but even now, on the day of the birth of his child, he was dejected. He'd lost the woman he loved.

Robin sighed heavily, then looked up at Henry. "If you've come to berate me, feel more then welcome, Henry. Anything you say can't be worse than anything I've already thought myself."

Anger whooshed out of Henry with breathless speed, leaving him empty and shaking, until he felt the same despair roll over him that Robin was obviously feeling. Without another word, the boy went to the man, and threw his arms around him. Robin wrapped his longer arms around the boy and hugged tight. He thought it was more than he deserved, but he would take all that he could get.

"I'm sorry," he whispered over and over again. "We'll find her. We will. I won't rest until I do."

"Papa?" Dark hair and eyes poked out around the banister of the stairs, almost as if afraid to speak. The young body curved around in the shadows, and it was clear he was close to crying. "Where's 'Gina?"

Henry turned to look at the boy he considered his brother, then held his arms out to him and beckoned him to join. "She's lost, Roland. We've gotta go find her."

"Like... a quest?"

Henry smiled, feeling awe that he was even able to. "Yeah, buddy. Exactly like a quest."

A night of pizza at the Mills house ensued as Robin, Henry, and Roland ate and planned. It was sometime around two in the morning, after Roland had fallen into a deep sleep while holding Regina's pillow to him, that Operation Page 23 was born.


End file.
